Wondrous adventures of prescription pills

Sun columnist Bill Thomas

On a daily basis, we see and hear on all sorts of communicative devices and our regular types of news media many of the bad effects of some prescription pills, and more seriously about the horrible effects many drugs have on millions of people. Have you ever wondered about the precipitous, perilous, paths of prescription pills?

Living with my seven physical ailments has caused me to think about the dozen pills I need to take on a daily basis.

I wonder how these pills know where to go in the human body. What directs them in their proper lanes of traffic? How do the individual dosages know what their ultimate destination is, and more importantly, how do they know what to do when they get there?

How do they know how and when they have accomplished their mission? And do they expect plaudits and praise for their particular participation in aiding a human body?

Pills are supposed to relieve pain, dissipate gastric juices, enhance the value of vitamins and minerals. Does the long, blue pill know whether its destiny is to relieve the pain in the big toe on your left foot due to the gout, or was it supposed to go to the arthritic spur on your right shoulder … or your left shoulder? How does any pill know what gout is? Does that giant yellow capsule realize it is really directed to your aching molar?

And suppose a few collide in a serious accident, do they exchange “license numbers,” “summon the ‘pill police,” or call 911? And what societal manners do they obey? Have these pills attended pharmacy classes, or two-day traffic behavior seminars?

After many, long tedious hours of research, I discovered some of the answers to those insightful questions. I’ll now reveal my unofficial, non-scientific pharmaceutical findings. First of all, I concluded we must admire ALL prescription pills, and commend these pugnaciously-aggressive, militant, unsung heroes for their prowess, bravery, courage, fearlessness, and valor as they dare to venture down through our esophagus, and into depths of our belly to render all that ‘first aid’ specifically to some of the multi-thousand parts of our bodies.

When a pill, a capsule, a tablet, or a shot in the arm or butt, or a squirt of a nose-spray is ingested into our bodies, it begins its journey, bon voyage; on a cruise, to tour, or ramble or wander down into our GUT area. Something down there transmits some data all the way up to the brain, which in turn churns up the data through its online, inborn computer and sends the destination data back to the GUTS center, much faster than you can read about it.

My unscientific research reveals that G.U.T.S. stands for Giant Ultra Transmittal System. This is the alimentary canal or intestine in your stomach where all your total intake of foods and beverages ramble to a temporary resting place. There, in your gut is an immense receiving, sorting, and transmittal center very similar to the activities that occur at United Parcel Service or Federal Express terminals. They receive, sort, and dispatch parcels. So go the pills. How fortunate we are for the scientists and lab workers who research a tremendous range of chemicals, study the various component elements in each, and discover how to blend certain percentages of hydro-shorti-cone with carefully measured amounts of neo-mache-sulfates, add a cc dash of td’s, a pinch of aquesef with a half teaspoon of something else that’s handy.

Meanwhile the marketing people dream up the most unpronounceable, easily forgotten names such as “sali-cyclates-systemic” which means unknown aspirin, or “theo-phylline and guaif-en-resin” remotely known as “bronco-dilators” probably only meant for rodeo performers.

Finally, we experience the REAL negative side effects from the “pill-packagers” who get hold of the “pharma” products which in some cases cause much frustration and anger when some of us are forced to struggle with “child-proof” or pilferage-proof container-tops … OR some other products are packed in a very thin tin box and we break a fingernail.

And don’t we all hope the pharmacist correctly interpreted the exact prescription from the dispensing doctor’s heretical handwriting?

Prescription Pills, anyone?



Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here